What is Fun?

I need to start having fun more. Though sometimes I don't really know how. I'm starting to get a little grasp on what fun is. Like, when I usually think "have more fun" it usually translates as "do things that are fun for you" and I think and can't think of anything I particularly think is fun to do.

The truth for me though is kinda that even some things I don't like doing, or are boring, can be fun at times. Mostly when doing them with other people.

I think it might have to do, not with what is fun, but with what you like and doing things with them. This could also not be it, though. I'm just thinking out loud.

For me, what I like to do is share things with people. But like yeah, what makes things fun would be do things or whatever and sharing them with others that would like the things or ideas I do/think up. I can't always make my ideas a reality, but I can still have fun with what I think up (coughtimingguardiancough)

Different

Sometimes I feel like it'd be best for me just to think that other people don't have feelings like I do. I mean, they HAVE feelings, just they feel things differently than I do. Mostly in love. Which is why I think I have such a poor time/experiences with love.

Heck I mean, I hear people talking about how at times Courage the Cowardly Dog show was really creepy to them, but when I watched them as a kid, I like never felt that way about any episode.

I'm just weird and different though.

Why?

Why? Why is it that when I think about love, and other people being involved, that the fantasy HAS to go the direction of me being pressured into something I don't want to do, and in the end end up hurting alot of people, including myself in it? It just hurts to think of things that way, and it's just so hard to think of a happy ending/happy outcomes where everything's ok and I don't have to go through some tragic end cause of my fear of people being complete ego/control maniacs and have to fuck with me cause what I want isn't what they want or accept!

And like, I'm the kind of person where in really severe fear, I'm a really sore loser. Like I imagine if I got raped, I wouldn't care the consequences, I'd be looking for revenge, for a way for them to be a fricker loser to compensate for what they did to me. Not alert ANY authorities of what happen cause I KNOW how the system works (or NOT) with rape cases, so it'd be a waste of time. But seriously, this is stuff I don't want to have happen to me or think about! And just to clear stuff up, the thing I was thinking about wasn't rape that triggered this post.

I just really don't like thinking of such things and they put me in a REALLY poor mood, but it seems so hard to think of better situations sometimes!

Why am I me?

ok so I was thinking of a "Friend" of mine. I don't know how true her "Friend" status is. It just seems like she only wanted me around for a potential date. Ew. (@dating that is) anyway,I was thinking about how she judges me. I've already thought of before how she does it and how much bullshit it was since she even said that I can talk to her cause "she doesn't judge". But clearly she does when she judges what I do before explaining myself, making it seem I had ill ideas.

(now that that rant is out of the way) Anyway, I was thinking about how she judges me, and it made me ask how she got that way, which lead to "Why am I the way I am? Why don't I judge people and why do I seem so nice and kind and stuff?"

And then I thought that maybe it's cause... I don't want bad things to just go away... I wanted to take them. Like when I was younger I thought I found my "purpose" and that was to be punished. I thought that if I get punished more or something, then I would be preventing other people from being punished. (now don't go and say "Awww you don't deserve to be punished/your purpose isn't to suffer you poor poor thing" I didn't think it was a bad thing at all, I was just excited to "Find my purpose" and thought doing it for other people would be awesome, so shut up. Anyway, though I figured out that one's purpose is something they choose themselves, and isn't chosen, I'm guessing I still had that mindset or whatever. Like I figured it out sometime after 14 and I thought of the purpose thing since I was a little kid, so yeah, could have easily became a bad habit. But like ok lets say it like this.

Instead of wanting the bad (stuff) to go away all together, I wanted to take in all the bad (stuff) to have for myself.

People don't really want bad stuff around them like at all, maybe to the point of just ignoring bad things. So if someone has a problem or something, they might accidentally ignore it cause it's in their nature. Example: "I'm gonna be forever alone." "Come on, there are tons of fish in the sea. Just go out there and get one." It's not a very good one, but instead of trying to know why they acturally feel that way, they just tell them to fix it.

And the way I do things is like this basically: "I'm gonna be forever alone." "How come?" "I don't think I'd be a good partner. I mean I don't want to even do on DATES! I'd just like to hang out with who I'm with ya know? But no. It would seem like I'm not really interested in them if I didn't go out on dates with them." "I don't know. Many people have different interests, maybe you can find one who doesn't like dates either. I mean, I hate sex! If someone can hate sex, then certainly someone can dislike dates, just like you. The problem though would be finding them. I doubt very many people would spill that info to just anyone. Also, just because you two would have that in common, doesn't mean you'd both be perfect for each other either. However, anything's possible, and people/things change. Something just might happen where there's a good chance you won't be 'forever alone'. I shouldn't tell you what to do though. It's really up to you about what you do about it, but if you want to talk about it again sometime, I'm all ears." Ok I'm not all certain what happened there, but yeah. I kind of try to take it in. Like "I want ALL of your bad feelings about yourself. Give them to me, let me make them mine so the burden isn't all on your shoulders now." but seriously, instead of shoving them off... I kinda try and make them my problems as well...

But that doesn't really make me a good person... like the way I am is twisted. I mean I think trying to take people's problems away is a BAD thing. I've convinced myself that I what to be the darkest thing ever, which makes me think evil, so I try to be the most evil thing ever but... I can't really tell what I'm doing anymore. "I want to take peoples problems away so they can be happy and stay out of my way of being evil an bad." Is that good or bad though? It would seem good cause I want to make people happy, it seems bad though cause I know if noone had any problems, like I took everything bad and negative from EVERYONE, chaos would happen and noone would give a shit cause they're happy, but I give a shit. Anyway what I mean is, I think it's both good and bad maybe cause, I want to help people, but I want to be bad, so I'm also doing it for myself...

It really seems like we both benefit... maybe... Maybe that's why. Maybe it's cause people and I both benefit from what I try to do to make some people feel better?... I don't know. I just don't know yet. I don't even want to thing of myself is a good person in people's eyes. I Like myself, so I don't really care if people thought I was evil. That would be best though cause it'd keep most people I don't like away... due to prejudice. Only people who thought the stereotypical 'evil' people/traits to be cool would maybe try to hang around me, but yeah.

I already have friends that are awesome though, and know me pretty well, so I barely care what other people think of me unless they're hurt me because of it. I'm glad I got these feelings out though.

Non-productive life

Yeah I pretty much have one. My last 2 years of Highschool pretty much drained me of wanting to do anything. Now that I'm out of school, it's hard for me to acturally do stuff since I never really finish anything and that brings me down ALOT.

But the thing is I DO want to do something productive, mostly get back into drawing. The thing is I don't have the FEELINGS to draw... I'm guessing I need those back though I don't know how to get them back. It just feels like there's nothing I want to do in this world. Maybe I should just think that if I do do something, that it's isn't for this world. Like that whatever I'm doing, I won't let the world have it's way with me. Perhaps thinking that way would make me do something eventually.

Also, I just downloaded Paint Tool Sai today. I have NOOOOOOO CLUE AT ALLLL how to work it. lol I've been using GIMP till I saw a link to a download of it. I really hope I don't just have the trail version, cause then why learn about how to work it if it's not gonna be there for a long time?

Start Game

I started this to hopefully get out some feelings of mine, though I think this would be more of a "Hey I'm gonna record my random ideas down" blog.

Also I might swear alot, so just keep that in mind, as well as lots of little dumb references.